TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, Corona Sandals and All
SImilar to my earlier ignorant baby tee story, I got no patience for people wearing alcohol-branded apparel out and about.
I distinctly remember an experience I had in church from my teenage years. Don’t assume, it wasn’t an epiphany or an inner calling to devote my life to missionary work. I was kneeling during Communion, busy people watching when I saw an older man lope up the aisle in sandals. I can deal with flip flops at church, but when I looked down to see if they were $1 cheap Old Navy flip flops or an upgrade to $5.99 rubber K-Mart kicks, I saw CORONA sandals!
Questions flooded my mind:
- Where am I?
- Should I do a double take or just assume the worst of this person?
- Maybe it’s his family crest that he had imprinted on those cheap sandals?
- Is he drunk?
Are these sandals suitable anywhere? Perhaps at the beach or a pool party. Certainly not in a house of worship! Are you aware of the kind of message you’re sending me? You may be thinking, "These sandals show I’m ready for the weekend, for three days of hard partying, boozing it up with Mike’s Hard Lemonades, minimal (and by minimal I mean only twice an hour) Blackberry usage, and grilling overpriced Angus beef patties." However, my brainwaves are picking up “My wife yelled at me for wearing these inappropriate shoes to church, but I’m not happy with our marriage, so this is the most mature way to get back at her.”
I found other abominations on the web:
Margaritaville Appliqued Bathrobe, 100% Cotton Terry Cloth, Short, Fuchsia, One Size
"Lounge around with your favorite cocktail in our luxurious margaritaville appliqued robe! What a fun way to relax! Robe is 36" length which is approximately knee length, with turn back shawl collar, two front patch pockets to keep everything handy & a adjustable self wrap belt. One Size Fits Most is also a great gift giving item because the robe fits a range of sizes."
My take: I bet you two buffalo nickels that there would be half a dozen beer bottle caps and two empty lighters in those “front patch pockets.”
Margaritaville Brewing Company—Landshark Lager Cap
"Cap with slide buckle closure. Available in two colors: Khaki or Blue"
My take: If you’re purchasing this embarrassment, you might as well go all the way and order the blue denim hat. A hat made of denim? GETOUTTATOWN!
Bud Light Interchangeable Buckle For Seatbelt Belts!
“Hot fashion accessory! Interchangeable Buckles for Seatbelt Belts! Made with the genuine vintage/recycled/collectible bottle cap of your choice as the buckle’s push-button release! Many different soda/beer brands available! Choose your favorite brands, and show them off in style! These interchangable Buckles are guaranteed to attract lots of looks, and will be a fun conversation starter wherever you wear them! Available exclusively from DAS Designs, these buckles are made for use with our original Seatbelt Belts, the fun and colorful fashion web belts with real working, recycled seatbelt buckles, and…they will also work with practically any seatbelt belt with a removable buckle! Seatbelt Belts are sold separately, and are available in a rainbow of hot colors!”
My take: I’d be sure to replace my current seatbelt buckle after a hard night of drinking with this Bud Light beacon o’ safety. It would provide me with a special sense of security as I’m swerving dangerously through traffic.
Are you as peeved about these fashion nonos as I am? Send me pics of Smirnoff tank tops, Kahlua hot pants, or Bartles and Jaymes Mardi Gras beads. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org, drop them off at the Facebook group, or tweet your little heart out (@thedailypeeve)